I Want To Go Home, But I Don’t Know Where Home Is

I’ll admit, it has been hard lately. I’m sure tons of people know the feeling, when you’re really down and all you can think about is how badly you want to go home. I wonder how many people feel like me though, and they don’t know where home is. No matter where you are, you just want to go “home”.

My life has been in a very severe state of limbo for a while. That has definitely wrecked havoc on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s sort of like my life has been at a standstill and the world is racing past me.

It’s moment like these that I need to remember how I pull myself back up, and today I did just that. I took a shower and decided I would make a yoga video. Making the video forced me to do a full routine, and while the benefits are different, and it’s not as relaxing, it was 100% worth it. I felt so much better afterward.

I hope to record another tomorrow, to use videos as something to hold me accountable. Of course, this is where it gets hard and I’ll need to create different practices, but that’s fine! A challenge is good, and anything to keep me going is even better.

Now that I’ve been in my house for a while, I’m starting to establish a routine. I’m going to be able to work on getting my house together and creating a home, making yoga videos or simply doing yoga, and writing! Yes, lots of writing. I need to sit down everyday and write. Perhaps I’ll even be able to squeeze some dancing in there as well.

I know soon I’ll be heading back to California, and my routine will be messed up all over again, but I think it’s time I came back here for a while. I need to set up my life here so when I say I want to go home, I know where home is.

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I’m a Grumpy-Goo

First, I have no idea what a “Grumpy-Goo” is, but it sounds cute and captures my emotions without being too negative and icky.

Lately, I have been extremely irritable. While it sounds negative, there’s a lot in this world that is irritating lately. Let’s just say being the child of a brown immigrant isn’t exactly fun at the moment. Especially when you see people from your country being shot and told “Get out of my country.” So that irritates me. Or I could go on a long rant about how being a woman is actually sort of hard sometimes, but I don’t think either of these are the reason I’m feeling so irritable.

I’ve written posts about depression before, but I purposefully am not using that term this time. I have been quite happy much of the time! Yes, I have sad days, bad days, days I’m depressed. But I have mornings where I wake up with a wide smile and don’t ever feel even slightly down!

It’s just that little things seem to get to me, and I’m fairly certain it’s because of this whole deployment situation. It’s really hard and it has made me very, very irritable.

It’s often just small things too, like other drivers being annoying will bother me for way too long.

I definitely get more annoyed with people I know too. I have no patience for conversations which are driven exclusively by me. I will always ask you what’s up and try to return all your questions to me back to you if it makes sense to do so, but I honestly do not have it in me to lead a conversation which you started!

I wish I wasn’t so irritable though, I know a lot of people mean well, and maybe they don’t want to bring up anything bad or they just want to chat and make sure I’m okay, but it’s not so nice when I feel like the burden to talk is on me. I don’t think most people I know understand how stressful this is and I’m not close to anyone who has any experience with this so I feel kind of weird asking anyone for advice.